Let’s Talk About the Trap of Being “Helpful”

Originally published on MELD.

But here’s what nobody tells you: If you only say yes, you’ll be working heads down at your desk, waiting for that tap on your shoulder and praise for your effort, that may never come. Meanwhile, someone is in the boss’s office advocating for themselves, even if they’ve done less.

Let me paint the scene. You’re the first to raise your hand when someone asks who can organize lunch. You keep track of everyone’s coffee orders and milk preferences. You take notes. Schedule the offsite. Clean up the whiteboard.

Why? Because you’re helpful. Because you’re organized. Because it’s “just easier” if you do it. And because you want to be seen as a team player.

But maybe, if you’re honest, it’s because you’re the only woman in the room. And somewhere deep down, you feel like you have to.

To be liked. to be seen. to be trusted.

And while you’re triple-checking who’s gluten-free, someone else is sitting in on a pitch. Giving feedback on the deck. Asking the questions that get remembered.

The data backs you up. this isn't just your head.

This isn’t petty. It’s a pattern.

“Women are 48% more likely than men to volunteer for non-promotable tasks, and even more likely to be asked to do them.”— Harvard Business Review, 2022
Non-promotable tasks = anything that keeps our offices, homes and lives in motion but that do not move your career forward.

Eve Rodsky and her team at Fair Play talk about these experiences powerfully.  Operations. Admin support. Culture maintenance. Event planning. Logistics management. You know—the stuff you crush, that somehow doesn’t show up on your performance review.  And as you take on more, it comes with a fatigue that’s not always seen or valued, and a frustration that builds.

These tasks matter. But when women are expected to carry them—and men are freed up for strategy, visibility, and leadership—it creates a gap that’s hard to close.

This isn't about being able to set up lunch. it's about being able to build your power.

Here’s what’s really going on: Workplaces are quietly structured around who gets to do the visible, valuable, career-advancing work, and who’s expected to hold everything else together.

That busy work, while helpful in the moment, never adds up to being as recognized as the big moves. And before you know it, you’re being sidelined, passed over, and left out.

That doesn’t stop at childhood. In the workplace, it becomes: Praise her for being thoughtful. Promote him for being bold.

So, let’s call it out. The next time you’re asked to order lunch or print the agenda, accept the assignment with professionalism. And consider suggesting in the group setting or 1:1 with the manager that you appreciate every opportunity to contribute to the team, and that one idea for team operations could be a responsibilities rotation so all new staff members order lunch, prepare the materials and manage the logistics.  That way everyone gets exposure to, and is responsible for, what it takes to make the team thrive.

Let’s break this down.

4 scripts to protect your time without burning bridges

Setting boundaries doesn’t require a big moment with a mic drop. Sometimes it just takes knowing the constructive line to use. Some of these ideas came up at a Meld dinner in Boston last year as we workshopped getting over our nerves to stick up for ourselves.

Keep these in your arsenal when you have that sense you’re being asked to do tasks that box you in:

1. “I’m happy to help today, and think it would work well to rotate this moving forward.”(Signals fairness and sets a precedent.)

2. “I can do that this time, but I’d love to be looped into the next strategy session too.”(You deliver. You ask. You rebalance.)

3. “I have capacity for one support task a week—happy to take this on for now.”(Professional. Clear. Respectful of your time.)

4. “Could we assign this as a rotating task for junior staff so everyone gets a turn?”(Boss move. System-oriented. Inclusive.)

And what if saying no feels too risky?

I get it – setting boundaries is daunting and almost feels wrong, especially when you’re new.  Remember that feeling of imposter syndrome?  It’s hard not to feel like you should be saying yes to everything to show you’ll stop at nothing to do your job.  Plus, sometimes the person asking is your boss. Or a senior guy who genuinely doesn’t see the societal pattern. You don’t want to be labeled difficult or passed over for team opportunities.

So here are a few ideas to shift the framing:

→ Prioritize publicly:“I want to make sure I’m focused on my key deliverables. Should this take priority?”

→ Recap team norms:“Totally happy to help, just want to make sure we’re sharing these across the team.”

→ Offer a solution:“What if we create a rotation for this? I’m happy to help set it up.”

→ Ask, don’t accuse:“Just curious, was there a reason I was asked specifically?”

This is not about conflict.  It is about clarity.  It helps to look around at others on your team, pay attention to what is being asked of them, and how they carry themselves.  

The Real cost of always saying yes

Every “yes” has an opportunity cost. And when you say yes to the invisible work, here’s what you might be giving up:

  • → Time for high-impact, promotable projects

  • → Access to strategic conversations

  • → Perception as a leader, not just a supporter

  • → Your own creative energy and growth runway

And eventually, “helpful” becomes a box that you’re stuck in or a too-full plate that burns you out.

You either keep performing or start disappointing. Neither is leadership. And neither is fair.

Meld mentor real talk

If you’re feeling low-key resentful after yet another admin task got dropped on your lap, you’re not being petty. You’re paying attention. This isn’t about “being difficult”. It’s about building your career and making every yes a strategic one that makes you proud.

So the next time someone asks you to do the task no one else wants, pause. Breathe. Ask yourself:“Would they ask anyone else here to do this?”

If the answer is no. Congratulations. You just stepped into a moment to grow.

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